I am currently feeling as though there is a speck of light coming through the darkness created by my mental health. This in itself is an amazing realisation and quite liberating for me. I also think it needs recording because it’s far to easy to forget these rare moments.
It got me thinking though, how do I encourage this speck to really grow? Having suffered from depression, what turns out to be most of my life, I’m aware the speck doesn’t always grow any bigger! In the past this could be because I’m just relieved to be able to ‘put my public face on’ again that I stop trying to improve beyond that. (it is only when asking myself this time that I’ve realised this, it’s never been a conscious decision, but I’ve also never made a conscious decision the other way!)
Anyway, I’ve decided, this time, whilst I have this speck I am going to try to arm myself further and keep fighting to get more. To pinch a phrase, “to live rather than survive” (At least during the times when the darkness is not as suffocating!)
Maybe in doing so I will be better equipped the next time I relapse, because I’m stronger or because I have things I like about myself or maybe I’ll have longer out of the darkness or maybe just never go as far back as to the point where I attempted to give up entirely.
This blog is to get the rambling that often goes on in my head out, to give me some accountability and to track how I’m getting on. Basically, this is Step 1.
I aim to write regularly with other changes I’m making to arm myself further, whether it’s a good or bad day and at all times to be brutally and uncomfortably honest.
As you can probably tell, I am not a writer so apologies to anyone who tries to read this!
And so it begins!